….I think that God has a lot to teach me about life and humility. About trust. About true love and selflessness. Interesting how my goal this month was to serve others, and I feel like I have been the one being constantly served…
Sometimes I really really hate my brain. I want nothing more than for the OCD thoughts to stop. I want nothing more than to reach my goal of complete change and alteration. Seeing and thinking in a completely different light. In these moments I can feel so distant from God, but then I know He is right by my side, sending angels to help me. It is like I know deep inside that there is something much greater for me to learn. Something He is trying to teach me and get me to understand. I think sometimes I just rack my brain so hard to figure out what that is. A lot of “why” questions. I guess my biggest question is what more can I do? What can I do to continue to grow, better understand, and make those changes? At times I feel that change happening. I feel that peace…but then the next moment I’m in a spiral of questions again. Nothing necessarily sets me off; I think I’ve just built things and thoughts up so much over time, that my brain shifts right back to them. I know it is a matter of rewiring that…which takes time and patience.
It’s hard for me to explain, but when I get in one of those OCD spirals, I feel more distant from myself. I don’t feel like me. And that makes me feel trapped and overwhelmed. Sometimes I just want to get back to the “old me”. The me that didn’t deal with these mental issues…but then I think about God. How He needs me to go through this and how he is shaping me into an even better ME. The me he needs me to be. He is trying to teach me about trust. To see through His eyes. And I need to trust His timing.
I think the biggest thing I am trying to work on is not letting my head get in the way of the now. Of the present moment. Living and being engaged in what I am doing. When I am in my head, I am so focused on myself, and what I really want is to serve and be selfless. I know that doing so would help me! I don’t want to pass up life hoping that my big change is around the corner. If I continue like that, I don’t think I’ll ever change. I need do my best to trust, live in the moment the best I can, and remember that this is an ongoing process. A process of never giving up. I’m changing without even knowing it…
Don’t give up on yourself. Be gentle. Be teachable. God is there.
‘To be teachable means that you are continuing to learn…’
Learn out to be more teachable on https://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/6-ways-develop-maintain-teachable-attitude/